Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Fear Not.

Here I am, at work and posting.  I'm 99% sure that my boss doesn't read this anyway, but on the off chance that she does, I'm on my 15-minute break, okay?

So, I moved into the Sweet Bachelorette Pad this weekend.  I have no internet until Friday.  So, fear not, my dearest reader - I have not abandoned you.  I've tried hacking into several neighbors' connections, but they are all secured.  Geesh - what is this world coming to?

We will speak again soon.  In the meantime, do your crunches and think of me fondly.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

That's what SHE said!

So, I've decided two things:

1.  To switch crunch days to M, W, F.  Tuesday is "Biggest Loser" night, which means I sit around in my bathrobe and watch TV for 2 hours before bed.  Not exactly conducive to an exercise regimen.

2.  This program has ceased being easy and has started being hard.  Today's sets were supposed to be 18-20-15-15-23.  I did 18-20-11 and quit because I was tired.  Oh, and the best part - my 11-year old came in and sat down next to me, cross-legged, and made "crunching" noises every time I sat up.  Funny kid.

Today's tally:  49
Month to date 382

I am supposed to do a "progress test" now.  This should be good.  I will keep you posted.

Post-script:  I was flirted with today.  It was a little freaky.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Day 2 - Week 2 - Weak, Too?

So, I think I'm doing it wrong.

Today's set:  15-18-14-14-21, for a grand total of 83.  My abs - not much there.  A few twinges, like, "hey, why are you doing that??" somewhere around the last 2 reps of each set.  My neck and back, however -  well, my neck hurts all the time, and my vertebrae snap like a bowl of Rice Krispies every time I get down on the floor.

All you exercise pros - fill me in.  What do I need to modify?

Our tally:

Today:  83
Month to date:  333

Even if I'm doing them wrong, that's still pretty freakin' impressive.

On a different note - this weekend was movie weekend around my place.  I watched "Less Than Zero" for the second time, because I needed a Downey fix; and "Going the Distance" with Drew Barrymore and the Apple computer guy.  Less Than Zero - well, we've already reviewed that.  Going the Distance - gee, too bad Drew and Apple guy couldn't work in the F-bomb a few more times.  What might have been an okay movie was kamakazied by gratuitous swearing.  Sad.  I am acquainted with people who actually talk like that, but they don't look like Drew Barrymore and Apple guy.  They look more like people who eat at the Waffle House.

Okay, I apologize in advance for offending all my Southern readership with the Waffle House comment.  But come on people  - have you ever stopped and looked around when you've been in a Waffle House?  They should just be up front about it and call it the "Hangover House."

Friday, February 11, 2011

Not Ready for Prime Time

Ah, humanity.  Since the day we were shooed out of the garden, we've been trying to wrap our little minds around the great mysteries of life.  We ponder crop circles.  The giant heads on Easter Island.  The duck-billed platypus.

Add to that list -

Why, for the LUVVA PETE, does TINA CONTINUE to order PRIME RIB at her favorite restaurant, even though EVERY SINGLE TIME it SUCKS...and there are SO MANY OTHER WONDERFUL THINGS to pick from???!!!!!!

So, there's this restaurant in town called Joe's.  (No, it's not really called "Joe's", but this is a small town, and mentioning names would be cruel, wouldn't it.)  I like Joe's.  I go there at least once a month.  The specials are usually wonderful - delectable pasta, brimming with creamy sauce and mushrooms; steaks that are always perfectly cooked, to the point where you might shed a trailing tear down your cheek; desserts that make you glad you are an American who can wolf down a slice of cheesecake that weighs as much as a kitten, and not some repressed foreigner who's afraid to get fat.

And then there's the prime rib. 

I think prime rib makes an appearance at Joe's least once a week or so.  I love prime rib, generally speaking, but avoid it at Joe's, because it is invariably disappointing.  Bland, boring, overcooked.  I tootle on along for months at a time, scarfing down pasta, steak, burgers...and then I go and get all nostalgic about prime rib.  A nice, big, excessive, fatty slab of beef - it's the Reaganomics version of a steak.  It's the 80's on a plate.  This is probably why I like it so much.  Anyhow, I tell myself - "Self, it's probably not as bad as you remember it.  Maybe, for the past 10 years or so, you've just been hitting it at unfortunate times.  Let's give it another shot."  So I do - and tonight I did.

Heavy sigh.  Need I say more?  Since my readership is amongst the most clever and creative ever assembled in one place, I'm guessing you can imagine what happened. 

For the LUVVA PETE.  Never, ever, EVER again.  Ever.  This time I mean it.

Oh, and if you live around here - Eat at Joe's.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Consider the Button Pushed

Today is Thursday, and as you well know, I pushed my Tuesday crunches to Wednesday - so here I am, doing crunches two days in a row.  It's like a scene from GI Jane around here.

Today's sets - 14-17-12-12-18, for a total of 73.  We are now in 'week 2', and I'm thinking by now it should be easier to get down on the floor.  It's not.  That is actually the most painful part, what with me actually discovering my back muscles and all.  Then once the torture is over, I have to get back up off the floor again.  God help me if I catch on fire or something anytime soon.  I can stop, I may possibly drop, but there's no way I'll be able to roll.

Not only did I have to do crunches two days in a row, but today totally sucked.  Since I'm in a crappy mood, and I just did 73 crunches, I'm going to indulge myself with a list.  Oprah says you should 'do what you love', under the assumption that you will actually get paid for it.  So we shall call this...

What Tina Would Love To Get Paid To Do

1.  Write a column for a major newspaper with complete editorial control
2.  Write blog posts!
3.  Be the curator of a little museum in either New England or the South
4.  Run a bookstore
5.  Read screenplays
6.  Watch movies
7.  Taste-test pudding

So, if you want to offer me a job doing any of these for a reasonable amount of cash, just drop me a line.  I'll be all over it.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day Late...Dollar Short.

If a dark shadow passed over your soul yesterday, causing you to shudder for reasons unknown - let me enlighten you.  It's because I didn't do my crunches yesterday.  You see, it got late...I started watching The Biggest Loser and drinking a Coke - I got tired...I went to bed.  I figured, who's gonna notice that I didn't post to this blog on Tuesday.

Well, you noticed.

I attended a funeral today for my aunt's sister.  I got to see cousins that I never see unless I'm getting married, and meet a special cousin that I haven't seen since she was 5 (and she didn't remember first meeting me, can you believe it!).  At this funeral, what do I hear from various family members?  "Tina, wonderful to see you!  I've been reading your blog!  You are getting behind!" Even  my dear, sweet Aunt Gaye, who's never said a critical word to me in 41 years, says "I enjoy your blog.  You haven't posted anything since Saturday."  I've not only let down a nameless, faceless mob of readers; I have even failed Aunt Gaye.  

So I came home tonight, ate a brownie, and did my crunches.  Tonight:  12-15-11-11-14.  I'm fudging on that last "14", because realistically, #14 was more of a chin-bob than a crunch.  But I was supposed to do 15 on that set, so I'm taking it.

we are at:

Daily count:  63
Month to Date:  177

And, yes, I'm rather starting to feel it.  As I was sprawled out on the floor, I was reminded of a Far Side cartoon I saw years ago.  It showed a bunch of dogs standing around in a yard, and they were all saying "Hey!  Hey!  Hey!"   The caption was something like, "the English translation of barking."  When I hit that last set, my abs started saying, "hey!  Hey!  HEY!" just like those dogs.  Since I was a day late, this means I have to do more crunches tomorrow...HEY!!  HEY!!!   In fact, as I sit here now with my laptop, my back is already tightening up. 

Aging sucks.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

There are muscles in my back. Who knew?

I'm guessing that you, my clever readership, can recall that I have a 60-second rest between crunch sets - so I won't be inserting that info any more.  Today's sets were as follows:  9-12-9-9-15.

I get down on the floor - which by now you probably have deduced is the most challenging part of this little project - and my spine says to me, "What?  Are we doing this AGAIN?"  It then let out a few expletives over the course of the sets, roundly letting me know that it was indeed displeased with this course of action.  My "abs", in their current state of animation, don't hurt.  They get tired, but no soreness.  Yet.  So far, Mr. Spine is the only body part with any sort of input.

So...here's our tally:

Today:  54
Month to date:  114

Impressed yet?  We are still in week 1!!

Side note:  I watched "Food, Inc." again today, and firmly believe that it should be required viewing for every high school senior, and highly recommended for everyone else.  If you haven't seen it, it deals with the production of food (mostly meat) in our country; how it's processed, who's processing it, the laws that protect those processors (and NOT US) and finishing off with some Monsanto-bashing.  If you are squeamish, it does have a few slaughterhouse scenes, but nothing too intense.   It will definitely influence you to buy locally-raised meat, if nothing else.

Additional side note:  Am very much looking forward to having my own place.  I love the people I live with and it has been a wonderful experience for both me and my son.  But I do miss my stuff, and frankly, I'm starting to look like a vampire.  Pale, pale, pale.  I honestly am thinking of giving up my coffee money for the month and going to the tanning bed just to get some color.  Being pasty may look hot in the Twilight series, but on us mere mortals, it just makes us look sick and old.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Sitting Up...

My day was colored by the death of my friend's mother, Penny.  Penny was also my Aunt's sister.  I saw her a dozen times or so that I recall over the course of my life.  I will always remember 2 things about Penny - her her, which can only be described as "interesting", and the fact that she was completely sold out for Jesus.  She is the kind of person that, when I think of her, I will always feel a twinge of regret that I didn't know her better when I could.

I did have to do crunches today.  Did you do yours?  So, here was my pre-set program for the day:

do 9 - rest 60 sec - do 9 - rest 60 sec - do 6 - rest 60 sec - do 6 - rest 60 sec - do max (minimum of 8)

So that's what I did.  Let me say that it's really difficult to 'rest for 60 seconds'.  You basically just lay there on the floor and think about how you haven't done your laundry, how American Idol is about to start, how you need to vacuum...

At the end, you are supposed to go until you are exhausted.  Around number 13, I had to admit that I was basically just moving my shoulders at that point, so I quit there.

Daily tally:  43
Total:  60

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

February's Quest

Here we are -  a nice, new month.  Our challenge this month is based on the website twohundredsitups.com, a 6-week program that, if followed, will enable you to do 200 situps upon completion.  Well, as you know, we only have 4 weeks, so instead of trying to do 200, we are just going to see how many I can crank out.  You know me, go for the bronze.

Let me start by saying that I possess absolutely no abdominal muscles.  I think I may even have some sort of birth defect.  And after 4 kids...please.  My point being, we are starting from ground zero here.

So - we start with an "initial test."  According to Mr. Website, we are doing what I would call "crunches", only coming up partway, as opposed to old-school situps, where someone you don't like in PE class has to hold your feet and you have to sit up until your elbows touch your knees.  Gee, you're breaking my heart, how I wanted to relive those wonderful days.  Anyhow, we are supposed to get down on the floor and do as many crunches as we can do.  This will determine our "bracket" so we know how many to do over the course of our little project.  We then follow the chart on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for the next 4 weeks; upon completion of which, we will look like Jillian Michaels and be happy campers indeed.

I had planned on doing this earlier this evening, but decided instead to watch Clean House and eat some rice pudding.  I think it's important to 'ease into' any form of exercise so as not to injure yourself.

Then the Point of No More Avoidance arrived.  Fortunately, we are counting situps and not being timed.  If we were, I would have immediately flunked, because it took me quite a while just to get down on the floor. I had forgotten how hard the floor is; not nearly as comfy as my leather chair.  I also didn't have very high hopes, as the website told me most people can barely do 10.  Since there's no column on the chart for "can't get down on the floor", I kept going to see what would happen.

So, one situp was easy.  And upon completion of number three, every vertebrae in my spine crunched in unison, which was not altogether unpleasant, albeit rather loud. 

Around number ten, it occurred to me I wasn't actually leaving the floor that much.

I actually "did" twenty - but I think the last 3 were, well, crap.  So I'm going to go with 17.  If you've looked over the chart, you'll see that this puts me in the "poor" column. 

Excuse me?  Did you just make a snorting sound?  Well, plop your ham hocks down on YOUR floor and see how many YOU can do!!!

Our baseline is established.  I'm expressly forbidden from doing another situp until Thursday. 

Our tally:

Today:  17
Month to Date:  17