Saturday, November 26, 2011

It's a Wrap.

The time has come, my little chickens, to wrap up yet another blog.  Now, don't go getting all misty-eyed on me - because starting on Monday, we are firefighters in training at Kat's on Fire.  Don't forget to stop in and follow that one so you can be completely up-to-date on our latest zany adventure.

Since our theme for 2011 was "Self-Improvement," I thought I'd give you a list of things I've learned and/or improved upon.

I give you...Amazing Improvements and Lessons of 2011; Tina-Style

1.  Giving birth 4 times has not improved my abdominal muscles, nor my ability to develop them.

2.  It's not difficult to make changes to your life if you do a small one every few days, as opposed to trying to make a bunch of changes all at once.  It is, however, hard to remember the entire list after 5 days or so.

3.  I can, in fact, drink 100 oz of water in a single day and not die.

4.  You pee A LOT when you drink 100 oz of water in a single day.

5.  Zumba is for someone far more coordinated than me, but I do like the Zumba shoes for my trampoline.  Also, you can work up a good sweat just dancing around your living room like a spastic while the Zumba DVD plays.  Same basic premise.

6.  Crocheting sucks.  If you do it and enjoy it, bully for you.  But I think it does.

7.  My buddy Kludge makes really nice pens.

8.  Trying to write a 50k word novel in a month is impossible.  Seriously.  Anyone who says that they actually DID it is a big fat liar.

9.  Going Vegan over a period of 30 days is not as difficult as you might think, and it completely changed my metabolism and how I view food.  And dropping 30 pounds was nice, too.

10.  I've met 5 really nice guys, and about a dozen not so nice guys, via online dating.  If you are single, you have to try it.  It should be a rule or something, like you can't renew your driver's license or get your car tabs unless you can prove that you've tried online dating.

11.  If you talk smack to a NY Times best-selling author, she will write something really clever in your copy of her book when she signs it for you.

12.  I am twice the person I thought I was on January 1st. 

And there you have it.  It is my sincerest hope that you enjoyed this 11-month foray into my psyche.  Don't forget to follow Kat's on Fire -I promise you won't regret it.

See you around the block.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Details, As Promised

So, we all made it down to the Homeland for Thanksgiving, 4 kids of various ages, and TG.  Everyone returned home alive, breathing, safe and sound.  Afterward, TG and I sat on my couch, watched old episodes of The Muppet Show and ate Burger King.  This is why the guys can't stay away from me, because I am truly a party a minute.

I think my older kids liked TG; my youngest, The Boy, might be vacillating.  I'm very protective of my youngest; this is the first person I've dated that he's met.  Before TG, I don't think it had actually occurred to him that "dating" was actually something romantic, as opposed to, oh, like going grocery shopping or something.  At first, The Boy said TG was "cool", but now....

Scene:  The living room of the Siren Sex Goddess, Thanksgiving night

SSG:  So, tell me, Boy, now that we've all spent the day together - what did you think of TG?

THE BOY:  (chin dropped, brow raised) You were touching his leg.

SSG:  Well, yes, TG and I are friends and we like to be with each other.

THE BOY:  Well, I have LOTS of friends and I don't touch THEIR legs.

SSG:  Uhhh...........................

Yes, that's pretty much how it went down.  Epic fail on my part to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why Mommy touched a man's leg.  Your ideas are welcome here.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Where Ya'll From?

So...get this.

I've gone out with TG 3 times in the past 9 days.  He is attentive, sweet, caring, considerate, witty, wise and calls me all the time.  I keep waiting for him to pull an HF and disappear off the planet.  But, so far, so good.  I keep trying to scare him off, but he's tenacious.

He's alone on Thanksgiving this year.  My brood and I are heading to my parents, where my brother, his wife and my grandmother will all gather.  And seriously, that's my entire family.  I threw out the idea that TG could join us, mostly because I wanted an excuse to see him again, but figuring there's no freakin' way he'd go for it...I mean, really, who wants to meet the ENTIRE FAMILY of some girl you've only known for, like, 2 weeks, no matter how crazy you are about her?

Well.....guess who's coming to dinner.  TG is one cool drink of water, let me tell you.  Unflappable.

My dad's gonna LOVE his hair.

Details to follow on Friday.  I cannot flippin' believe this. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Taking Your Advice, HF.

I know what you want to know.  "How did it go, Tina?  How did it go?  What do you think of TG?  Details, details!!!"

Well, shame on you.  You SHOULD be asking me how my novel is coming along.  I'm supposed to be writing a novel this month, remember?

So, for the oh, 2 of you who might actually remember our project for the month, let me update you:  it's NOT coming along.  It's impossible. 

Now that we've dealt with November's project....TG is a good guy.  You know how you meet somebody and you can tell right away that they've had a colorful life?  And how that colorful life has formed that person into a genuinely compassionate, all-around caring person?  That's TG.

Remember how The Oldest Son was going to be out of the house for me that day?  Well, Tuesday morning, as I walked out the door, I distinctly remember this going down:  Mommy says," Oldest Son, don't forget my date is today, so try not to get home before 4 or so."  Oldest Son says, "Okay, Mommy."

Guess who's car was in the driveway at 1:45.  That would be Oldest Son.  So, yes, the 3 of us sat around for most of the afternoon.  How nice.  At one point Oldest Son did go to WalMart for an hour or so...I considered locking him out, but good manners prevented me.

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Oldest Son...Again.

So, This Guy (from now on to be known as "TG") and I are spending tomorrow afternoon together.  There's no school tomorrow, so The Boy and The Oldest Son are home all day.  As luck would have it, I'd already arranged for The Boy to hang around with this friend tomorrow afternoon.  That just leaves The Oldest Son.  Here's how it went down:

(Scene:  Living Room of the Siren Sex Goddess)

SSG:  So, Son, when you drop The Boy off at his friend's house tomorrow, make yourself scarce for a few hours.

SON:  Why?

SSG:  Because I have a lunch date, and we'll probably come back here afterwards.

SON:  (folding arms over chest) Who is he?

SSG:  Nobody you know.

SON:  (arching eyebrow)  why can't I be here?

SSG:  Because it would be nice to have some privacy so we can talk and get to know each other, without you sitting there STARING at us all the time.  Maybe you could use that time to, oh, FIND A JOB.

SON:  (arms still crossed) So, who is he?


SON:  So, why can't I be here?

SSG:  (stomping off into kitchen)  GAHHHH!

Yes, such is my life.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


I have decided that there's no flippin' possible way that a person can participate in NANOWRIMO and actually WORK at a full-time job as well.  It's not POSSIBLE.    There are not enough FREAKIN' HOURS IN THE FREAKIN' DAY.  It CANNOT BE DONE.

Who's insipid, moronic, idiotic idea was this to begin with?  A seed was planted. Who did it?  EV?  Did YOU do this to ME, your very favorite almost-but-not-actually-blood-related cousin? 

Are you sensing that I'm a little behind, dearest reader?  Well, Johnny, tell them what they've won.  Teener is behind, BIG TIME.  But making great progress on the blog we are starting December 1st!  All those shiny books - and make sure you jump over there and see the cute pic I took last night for it.

Back to NANOWRIMO - What's my word count, you ask?  None of your business.  What's YOUR word count, jackwagon?

You may recall - I warned you it would be a horrid month.  DON'T YOU JUDGE ME on my lack progress-I'm KILLING myself for you people, for cryz-ache.

Tomorrow's Veteran's Day here in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.  Since I'm a veteran, I get the day off, with pay.  And everyone else I work with does, too...coincidentally.  So I'm loading up the car and taking the boys off to see Baby Girl at college.  Woot woot.  Since we'll be so close to what will probably become our home base in a few months, we might do a little investigational touring of Spokompton as well.  Depends on the weather, as always. 

And I know what some of you are wondering, and the answer is no, there is no man involved.  As usual.  


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Always Kiss Me Goodnight.

It's amazing how 2 short sentences, shot out in a group e-mail, can change the course of your day.  It greeted me this morning at work.  "He had a stroke yesterday.  We do not know his condition."

He's a man I've known for a few years.  Probably one of the healthiest men I know.  He went from being a vibrant working man, winterizing his property, to a collapsed form on a linoleum floor in a matter of a minute.  I've since heard that he came through brain surgery successfully, and he is improving rapidly.  Praise be to God.

But as I sat there reading those lines this morning, I didn't think about his prognosis.  I didn't think of how he had been shipped out to a larger hospital, how he had to have brain surgery; the impact on his business and family.  Instead, I sat there and wondered - did he kiss his wife yesterday morning before he left for work?  Did his lips brush her temple, maybe even with a quickly-spoken "Love you" before he headed out the door?  What if that moment would have been their last...what memory would she be left with?

I wanted to go directly to my car, round up all of my children, hold them close and tell them how much I love them.  They are scattered around the western part of the country; not terribly practical, but still, it's all I wanted to do. 

And of course, my thoughts went to HF.  He's in a dangerous line of work.  And I'm not his girlfriend; I'm not really anything other than a really sexy penpal.  But since I met him, I watch the news with a fervent eye every night, looking for any "local fire turns tragic"-type headline.  If he was hurt, if something happened - nobody would know to tell me.  I try not to focus on it, but it's always in the front of my mind.

So, in honor of my recuperating friend, and because I've had enough effed up relationships in my life to have learned a lot of lessons, I give you...

The Siren Sex Goddess's Guide to Life in 6 Short Points

1.  If you go to sleep and wake up with someone every day, always kiss them good night and good morning.  Kiss them when you leave the house, kiss them when you greet them after not seeing them all day.  No exceptions.  I don't care if all your buddies are standing right there and you are embarrassed.  Just do it.

2.  If you dating and are in love with someone, tell them.  This whole concept of protecting your heart, taking it slow, not getting in over your head is complete bullshit.  What's the worst thing that can happen?  They don't say it back?  You can't control any other person's emotions.  Whether or not they love you is immaterial to how you feel about them anyway.

3.  Be genuine, open, honest and vulnerable, ESPECIALLY if you are a woman.  Your competition consists mostly of women who are convinced that they have to deny their femininity and be tough as nails, 24/7.  If you are a girl, act like one.  Men go absolutely insane for it.

4.  Did your heart get broken?  Congratulations.  That means you are FEELING.  I'm proud of you. 

5.  Everyone has soul mates.  They come in and out of our lives; they can be dear friends, they can be lovers, you might even marry one, if you are lucky.  But there are people out there who complement you and you complement them...and when you get together, your lives will never again be the same.  

6.  Sometimes you just "know." And when you just know, don't let your friends, family, relationship coaches, even your common sense override your gut feeling that you "know."  Treasure it in your heart.  If it's meant to be, there's nothing you can do, short of committing suicide, to prevent it anyway.

So that's what I thought about today.  What about you?  Care to add any points?

Monday, November 7, 2011


It's right there, I'm telling you.  It's all just right there, waiting to be written down.  cough.

Did I mention that I've moved the launch date for Kat's on Fire up a month?  Did I further mention that I'm so excited about it, I just want to jump around like a lunatic?

Okay, fine.  I'm a little distracted.  So sue me.  You can't tell me that all those other NANOWRIMO hosebags work as many hours a week as I do.  Plus my new blog is gonna be soooo much fuuunnnerrrrr.........and it's got all these shiny books to seize my attention...and HELLO it involves FIREFIGHTERS....

(she chicken-necks and cocks one brow, daring anyone (QUEENIE) to respond about lack of NANOWRIMO progress)

Speaking of work, today was...surreal.  I wrote the classified ad that will be placed in select newspapers around the state, to entice my replacement to relocate here to Small Town America.  There's something really strange about writing your own ad.  Kinda like building your own coffin.  No, that's not it.  I was actually really stoked at the thought of finding Mr. or Ms. Right to receive my brain transplant in January.  But it was still weird.

I did have another minor freakout last night, when I started thinking about winter driving in THE CITY next year.  I've never lived, worked, or even breathed extensively in a city.  And Spokompton is, well, a city.  With people.  And cars.  And parallel parking, which I freely admit I HAVE NEVER PARALLEL PARKED IN MY LIFE.  If I can't pull into that spot, well, boy howdy, I just drive around the block and look for something else.

I can do this.  I WILL do this.  I'm about to be REPLACED, for shit's sake, so I guess I AM doing this.

OH, and another thing about NANOWRIMO.  Blogging is writing.  I am writing.  I am writing RIGHT NOW.  And I never would have guessed it, but I enjoy blogging much, much more than writing fiction.  Seriously, whodathunkit.  It might be my ticket outta here....cue the dream sequence.

(Siren Sex Goddess is in her recliner, gazing off into worlds unseen by mere mortals, contemplating her next conquest.  A cell phone breaks the reverie, but she's so fly, even her ringtone is Zen.)

SSG:  Hello, darling. 

CALLER:  Hello, I'm calling from "Super Fire Rescues" magazine.  We've been following your blog with interest.

SSG:  I'm so happy to hear that.  I absolutely LIVE to bring joy to the masses.  Are you married?

CALLER:  (a sharp intake of breath, followed by a cough) Actually, yes, I am; for the past 30 years to my high school sweetheart.  However, now that I'm speaking with you, her name escapes me.

SSG:  (a lilting laugh emitting from her throat, causing no less than 4 traffic collisions within a 5-mile radius as men of all ages rubber-neck)  Ah, darling, forgive me - I have that effect.  So what may I do for you today?

CALLER:  Um....uh....

SSG:  You mentioned my blog.

CALLER:  Oh, yes.  (clears throat)  We here at "Super Fire Rescues" have been reading your posts every day.  This morning I met with the publisher of our magazine; we've fired our entire staff and have decided to devote the entire magazine to you.  Would you ever, in your wildest dreams, consider becoming a columnist for us?  Please?  PLEASE?   FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE????!!!

SSG:  Now, dearest heart, don't cry.  Of course I will.  This IS, in fact, one of my wildest dreams; as a side note, it's one of the few that doesn't involve peanut butter and AA batteries.

CALLER:  I think I need to go to the hospital now.

SSG:  Do what you need to do, dear.  Do what you need to do.


It's all just on the horizon.  Do you feel it, dearest reader?

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Freaky Friday

Well, the tens of you around the world that read this little blog daily will be happy to know that I had a very nice conversation with HF on Friday.  All is well, we are officially on the same page and I, the Siren Sex Goddess, am content.

For now.

I may or may not have mentioned this- frankly, going back and checking involves opening too many windows - my oldest is out of the Army now and has moved back home for a bit.  So I now have a 22-year old in addition to a 12-year old in my house.  My baby has come home to me.  Evenings of Rockwell-esque family time abound.


Well, there have been a few CHANGES in my house since my oldest left home 3 1/2 years ago.  Mommy is no longer married; Mommy is now single.  Mommy likes to go out with her friends and have fun.  My oldest hasn't quite adjusted to this little factoid yet.

Case in point - last night:

(Scene - the living room of the Siren Sex Goddess, 5:30 p.m. on a Friday evening on a kid-free weekend)

SSG:  Okay, son, I'm going out.  Don't wait up.

SON:  Okay mom - have a good time!

(Scene - same place, 9:00 Saturday morning.  Bleary-eyed SSG finally decides to get out of bed.)

SSG:  Good morning, my dear son!

SON:  Good morning.  (Raises eyebrow at SSG) What time did you get home?

SSG:  (remembering exactly what time she got home) Oh, I don't really know....

SON:  Well, I went to bed at 11:30, and you weren't home yet.

SSG:  When I got home, you were SNORING.  And I told you not to wait up.

SON:  (crossing arms over chest) So, what were you doing?


SON:  Doing what?

SSG:  (stomps off into kitchen to get a bowl of cereal) GAWD!

Such is my life.  For your information, dearest reader, I was at LB's, watching a rather lousy movie and eating Red Vines.  But I wasn't going to tell HIM that, because he's my kid, and it's none of his business.  Besides, if he really wants to know what I'm doing, he should read my blog.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Day 3 NANOWRIMO Discussion Buffet

Topics for today:

1.  I haven't heard from HF in 7 days.  I keep trying to remind myself that we are supposed to be all mature about this "not really a relationship until I move closer" crap, but dear gawd, it sure would be nice to be fawned over for a change.   And I hate it when he goes silent on me.  Doesn't he know how SPECTACULAR I am????!!!!!

2.  Remember LB?  Me too.  WE talk every day.  My life is like a frickin' episode of Seinfeld.

3.  I practically pee my pants every time I look at my firefighter blog stuff.  I think I might actually start it on December 1st. 

4.  No, I don't mean that.  Just fantasizing.  But it's going to be flippin' amazing.

5.  Once you tell your boss that you are moving in 8 months, your job becomes a lot less stressful.  Even when it really is stressful.  Like now.  Ohmydog, everyone and their cousin has ordered title work from me this week. 

6.  The novel is coming along GREAT!  I might actually write something down soon.

7.  I am so sick of online dating.  Have I mentioned that lately?  It's like going to a bar every...single...night.  Without the shapewear.  Anyway, my subscription expires in a month, and that sounds good to me. 

That's pretty much my week.  I need to go check and see if I have an e-mail from HF now, which of course, I won't.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Day 2 NANOWRIMO update

Okay, so today the last 2 resources I need for next year's blog arrived in the mail...I'm so friggin' excited!!!!  I really, really, REEEALLLY want to play with my new blog toys.

Write my with my toys....write my novel... which do you think will win out?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Day 1 NANOWRIMO Update

How's it going with the novel, you ask?  Well, I just spent 90 minutes updating my profile, even though I have zero interest in meeting anyone right now.  What does that tell you?

So go to and search for user "whazzupbuttercup" and tell me how it looks.  Yes, I really am THAT vain. 

November - NANOWRIMO month

Just when you thought it couldn't get any better - well, now it's November 1st, National Novel Writing Month.  I have a goal of 1700 words a day, the summation of which on November 30th will be a novel that will immediately catapult me to stardom.

I'm writing chick lit - I'll let you know tomorrow how my first evening went.