So, I have this little fantasy. I'm assuming you want to hear about it, because you are reading my blog, and because all bloggers are raving narcissists. My little fantasy is that when I move next summer, I will be able to make a living by writing, and won't have to get a real job. Wouldn't that be great? I'm thinking I could crank out at a Harlequin romance once a month and make a rather tidy living for myself, thank you very much. I also have really sleek legs and toned arms in this fantasy.
Topic #2 - and feel free to comment on this one, since my fantasy probably disappointed you - I have this friend.
POINT OF CLARIFICATION - this is not one of those stories where I am really the "friend" but don't want to admit it. This really is a story about my friend.
Anyhow, I have this friend, Zoe, that I like to hang out with. She, in turn, has another friend, Amanda. Amanda is NOT my friend. Amanda is Zoe's friend. Zoe, understandably, likes to spend time with her friend Amanda, and invites me to come along. However, I don't go if I know Amanda is going, because Amanda is a downer. I swear to Dog, 15 minutes with Amanda, and you can feel the joy being sucked out of your bone marrow. Everyone is stupid. All men are dogs. Nothing is ever good. blah blah blah. You get the idea right? So then I look like the raging bee-otch 8th grader because I'm turning down Zoe and hurting her feelings. But I was married to that kind of person - and I'm not voluntarily seeking it out, ever again.
I've tried. Several times. I tell myself that Amanda doesn't have my self-esteem and hasn't learned to embrace her inner siren. (again, raging bee-otch, I know.) I've been around her many times. And it's not getting any better. And you all, my dearest readers, are amongst the most cosmopolitan and cultured people on the planet; ready and able to give me nuggets of wisdom on Amandagate. I know that an Amanda must have crossed your path at some point in your colorful life...how did you handle it?
Let's take a moment to address those of you, however slight the chance, that might have some Amanda tendencies in you. I think it's entirely possible that nobody has ever told you that you are annoying. I love you enough to stage this little intervention, with the hope that you will learn that the following life events are nobody's fault BUT yours, and we, although we love you, don't care to hear about them incessantly, especially when we've worked all day and we are just trying to relax and enjoy ourselves. So here you go:
1. You haven't gotten laid in 5 years
2. Your haircut sucks
3. Your haircolor sucks
4. You think you are too fat
5. You think you are too scrawny
6. You don't like my boyfriend
7. You don't like anybody's boyfriend
8. Your job sucks
9. Your kids drive you crazy
10. Your living situation sucks
11. You don't make enough money
12. You make too much money and so your taxes are too high
13. You work too much overtime
14. You don't get enough hours
15. You hate my ex
16. You hate your ex
17. You hate anyone that reminds you, or is even remotely related to, my ex or your ex.
I hated to do that. I really did. But you needed some tough love.
Which brings us to our topic du jour - I'm the kind of person who doesn't hang out with people who try to steal my joy.